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„ FRENCH'S ACTING EDITION U 
Number 2458 

n i n r=in F=TF= i m 

DOG DAYS 



BY 
HERBERT SWEARS 



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"DOG DAYS" 



A COMEDY IN ONE ACT 



By 
HERBERT SWEARS 



Copyright, 191 5, by Samuel French, Ltd 



New York 

SAMUEL FRENCH 

Publisher 

28-30 WEST 38TH STREET 



London 

SAMUEL FRENCH Ltd 

26 Southampton Street 

STRAND 



F/?Co37 
.W4-II6 



TranGfsrrW frum 
^opyrigh' 0*!,. 



nrT -4 1915 



CHARACTERS 

Mrs. Hillary Digby. 

Miss Pinge. 

Madame Deauville. 

Miss Flewster. 

Ada (a house-parlourmaid.) 

Scene. — A Room at Miss Fleivster's Select Boarding Esictb" 
llshm3nt and Private Hotel, Bayswater, W, 



1 



The Fee for each and every representation of this 
play by Amateurs is Half a Guinea, payable in 
advance to : — 

Messrs. Samuel French, Ltd., 

26, Southampton Street, 

Strand, Londcn, 

or their authorized representatives. 

No performance may be given unless a written 
permission has first been obtained. 

All the costumes, wigs and properties used in the 
performance of plays contained in French's list may 
be hired or purchased reasonably from Messrs- 
Charles H. Fox, Ltd., 27, Wellington St., Strand, 
London. 



. "DOG DAYS" 

Scene. — Room at Miss Flewster's Select Boarding 
Establishment and Private Hotel, Bayswater, W. 
The apartment is well, but plainly, furnished. A 
sash window with curtains c. at back. A door 
R.U.E., another door l.u.e., a writing-table and chair 
R., an oval table c, with chairs on either side. Fdre- 
place, with mantelpiece, and looking glass L. Sofa 
L.c. Pictures on walls. Small occasional tables 
at back. 

(Enter Ad A, r.u.e., with a tray on which are a small 
toothbrush, a hair brush and comb, a scent spray, 
manicure requisites in a case, a small table cloth, and 
a towel. She rests the tray on writing-table R., 
then spreads the cloth on oval table c, and carefully 
arranges the articles she has brought in. Ada is a 
Cockney servant, but the accent must not be overdone. 
ft should be remembered that she comes from Hackney 
Wick, not from Billingsgate. A moment later Miss 
Flewster enters r.u.e. Miss Flewster is a 
rather harassed lady of middle age, quite unfitted 
to direct a boarding establishment. She actually 
belongs to the period of Queen Victoria. Her grey 
hair is parted in the centre, flattened down on both 
sides and caught at the back in a tight knot. She 
wears gold-rimmed eyeglasses, a large cameo brooch 
is at her throat. She possesses a pathetic and pro- 
found admiration for persons of title and lives in 
an atmosphere of faded regrets. Miss Flewster 
surveys the preparations.) 



e- "DOG DAYS/* 

Miss Flewster. You've forgotten nothing, Ada f 
Ada. No, ma'am. 

Miss Flewster {with a liitle sigh). Mrs. Hillary 
Digby is so particular ! 
Ada. I know. 

Miss Flewster (adjusting her eyeglasses). Let me 
see ! There's the toothbrush, comb, nail polisher, 
scissors and towel — quite right. 

Ada. It's a mercy I don't 'ave to use them things ! 
I should never finish my stair carpets. 

Miss Flewster (gently reproving). There's no 
necessity for you to use them, Ada. 

Ada, No ! I'm only a servant. I'm not a 
dratted dog. 
Miss Flewster. Ada ! Please ! 
Ada. Well, it makes me fair sick, it do — to see 
the way Mrs. Dig goes on with her dog ! It must 
have this, and it mustn't have that — chicken for 
lunch and cream for tea (pointing to toilet requisites) 
and this 'ere set out every day. 

Miss Flewster. Ada, I cannot allow you to talk 
like this. Mrs. Hillary Digby is a very valuable 

boarder. She is lavish with her money 

Ada. I don't see much of it 

Miss Flewster, And is most considerate and 
well connected. 

Ada. These ladies and their pets ! Why, a baby 
couldn't have more attention ! 

Miss Flewster. That will do, Ada. You are not 
acquainted with Society. I am ! I have a brother 
in the Royal Navy. (Coughs.) I have not always 
kept a boarding establishment. Time was when I 
lived with dear papa at the Laurels. But that was 
long ago. Ladies of fashion are greatly devoted to 
their little dogs. 

Ada (contemptuously). More fools they ! 

Miss Flewster. It's quite a craze in these days. 

Ada. Dog days — I should call 'em. 

^iss Flewster. I have been very patient with 



"DOG DAYS." 7 

you. Ada, because you are a good and faithful servant . 
But I must beg 5'ou to treat Mrs. Hillary Digby with 
every respect. The fact that I allow her the use of 
this room for her dog's toilet causes some jealousy 
in my other boarders, but after all one must remember 
tliat Mrs. Hillary Digby is second cousin to Sir Max 
Pilsenheimer. the Scottish baronet. 

Ada. Lor' ! 

Miss Flewster. Her maternal uncle, it is said, 
was once in the Royal Circle. / 

Ada. Well, I've 'ad a aunt in the Upper Boxes, 
but we didn't brag about it. 

Miss Flewster. Ada ! That will do. 

Ada. I don't mind a dog as can bark like a 
Christian, but these 'ere snappy yappy little beasts 

Miss Flewster [silencing her). H'sh ! Mrs. 
Digby. 

{Enter ]\Irs. Hillary Digby, an extremely smart and 
vivacious lady. Over her dress she wears a large 
holland apron, with sleeves, and in her arms she 
carries- a small pet dog — the breed is immaterial. 
Mrs. Hillary Digby has a way of making the 
most extravagant suggestions, without pausing for, 
or needing, a reply. It must he home in mind 
that her absurd remarks are made in perfect good 
faith ; she is not attempting to be funny. She gives 
iitterance to the first thing that occurs to her and it 
would be a mistake to imagine her to he a fool. She is 
in point of fact extremely wide awake and invariably 
gets her own way.) 

Mrs. Hillary Digby [entering r.u.e.). Good 
morning, Flewster. 

Miss FleW'STER. Good morning, Mrs. Hillary 
Digby. 

Mrs. Hillary Digby. Good morning, Ada. 

Ada. Good morning, ma'am. 

]\Iiss Flewster. And how is the beautiful trea- 
sure ? 



8 "DOG DAYS." 

Mrs. Hillary Digby (holding up her dog). Isn't 
Birdie a dream ? 
Miss Flewster (enthusiastically) . Indeed, indeed ! 

(Ada laughs, and coughs to hide her lapse. The net 
result is a strange gurgling sound. Mrs. Digby 
and Miss Flewster turn sharply and look at her.) 

Ada. Beg pardon, ma'am. It's a catch in the 
throat. 

Mrs. Hillary Digby (clasping her dog to her bosom) . 
Is it infectious ? 

Ada. Not as I knows of. 

Mrs. Hillary Digby (anxiously). But are you 
sure ? , 

Ada. The doc. said it was the — the — the uvalora. 

Mrs. Hillary Digby (earnestly). Are you on the 
panel ? 

Ada. Yes'm. 

Mrs. Hillary Digby. You must have it seen to 
instantly. Birdie might catch it. I can run no risks. 

Miss Flewster. Pray don't be alarmed, Mrs. 
Hillary Digby. Ada knows her place. She wouldn't 
wait on you with an infectious complaint. 

Mrs. Hillary Digby. It's not for myself — it's 
Birdie ! 

Ada (moving towards door, l.u.e.). Shall I send 
Ameha, ma'am ? 

Mrs. Hillary Digby. No, no ! Birdie is used 
to you, and she can't bear Amelia (addressing dog) 
can you — my icksy wicksy wee ? 

Miss Flewster. You can remain, Ada. 

(Mrs. Hillary Digby sits on sofa, l.) 

Ada. Thank you, ma'am. (Behind their backs 
she makes a grimace at the dog.) 

Mrs. Hillary Digby. Is my sweetlet ready for 
its toilet ? Is my tipsy wipsy looking forward to its 
brushy wushy ? (Pressing dog'to her.) What an angel 1 



"DOG DAYS." 9 

Ada (advancing with towel). Towel, ma'am. 
Mrs. Hillary Digby. Thank you, Ada — on my 
knee, jTase 

(Ada arranges it.) 

That's right. Her toothbrush, please, Ada. 

(Ada gets it from c. table.) 

Birdie, open your mouth, dear — a leetle wider — 
{Taking brush from Ada.) Has it been sterilized ? 

Miss Flewster. Oh ! certainly, Mrs. Hillary 
Digby. 

Mrs. Hillary Digby. Now, Birdie, I know you 
hate it, but my pet will feel so much, much happier — 
with clean teeth. 

(Ada once again explodes.) 

Miss Flewster (severely). Ada ! Again ! 

Mrs. Hillary Digby. Keep away, please, keep 
away ! Where is the — er 

Ada. Uvalora ? 

Mrs. Hillary Digby. Can it be extracted — like 
the appendix ? 

Ada. I couldn't say, ma'am. 

Mrs. Hillary Digby. But you must surely 
know where it is. 

Ada (touching her throat). 'Ere, ma'am ! 

Mrs. Hillary Digby (in a tone of disapproval). It 
makes such a crashing sound. Poor Birdie is all 
nerves. I can feel her head beating. Surely 
something can be done. (Seriously.) Can't you 
wear a respirator tuned like an seolian harp. (With 
an inspiration.) Or perhaps you'd like to see my 
dentist ? 

Miss Flewster. The matter shall be attended to, 
Mrs. Hillary Digby. 

Ada. Fm sorry, ma'am, but if I hadn't a-coughed 
I should 'ave bursted. 



m "DOG DAYS/^ 

Mrs. Hillary Digby {seriously). Oh ! dear, dear, 
please don't do that. You may take her tooth 
brush. 

(Ada takes it.) 

Pohsher, please, Ada. 

mm 
(Ada gets nail polisher.) '^^4 

Birdie, you must sit still. I shall be very cross in a 
minute. (With a quick transition to tenderness.) As 
if I could be angry with my treasure. (Takes polisher 
from Ada.) Thank you, Ada. Now, Birdie, be a 
good girlie. (Polishes the dog's nails. To MiSS 
Flewsier.) Isn't she sweet ? 

Miss Flewster. If only Landseer had lived to 
paint her ! 

Mrs. Hillary Digby. Oh, but he painted nasty 
great big dogs. 

Miss Flewster. Oh ! I htow ! Papa had one. 

Mrs. Hillary Digby. A dog ? 

Miss Flewster. No, no — a Landseer. 

Mrs. Hillary Digby. An original? 

Miss Flewster. Well, no, not exactly, but it was 
reproduced from the original. 

Mrs. Hillary Digby (polishing dog's nails). Oh ! 

Miss Flewster. It hung in the entresol. 

Mrs. Hillary Digby'. Hair brush and comb, 
please, Ada. 

Miss Flewster. As a boy, my dear brother— in 
the Royal Navy — was greatly attached to it. 

Mrs. Hillary Digby. Is your brother an Admiral 
yet? 

Miss Flewster. No — no, not quite kn Admiral. 

Mrs. Hillary Digby (taking brush and comb 
from Ada). A Commander, perhaps?' 

Miss Flewster (with great pride). Albert is an 
assistant-paymaster ! 

Mrs. Hillary Digby (brushing her dog's coat). 
Well, isn't that next door to it ? 



"DOG DAYS.'* U 

Miss Flewster. No, not exactly. 

Mrs. Hillary Digby. An^^way, it's^in the same 
building ! Birdie, zi^ill you sit still ? Birdie will soon 
be ready for Madan;ie Deauville. 

Miss Flewster. You expect Madame Deauville ? 

Mrs. Hillary Digby. She is making Birdie a 
little outdoor caUing coat. Birdie is jnost excited 
about it, aren't 'oo, darling ? (Hands back brush 
and comb to Ada.) Now, the scent' spray, please, 
Ada. Birdie loves her spray bath — doesn't she ? 
(Taking spray.) Thank you, Ada. There, my 
precious. It's nearly over now. Just a leetle more 
spray ! There, that will do for to-day. (Hands 
spray back to Ada.) Are zoo thirsty, little girlie ? 
Did it want a dinky-dinky dink ? She does, poor 
mite. Ada, get Birdie's saucer and a little milk, 
will you, please ? 

Ada (moving to door, l.u.e.). Yes, ma'am. 

Mrs. Hillary Digby. She's quite parched, poor 
darhng ! 

(Ada, no longer able to contain herself, bursts into a 
loud stifled laugh and makes a hurried exit l.u.e.) 

(Mrs. Hillary Digby turns quickly and looks at door.) 

I feel quite uneasy about Ada. Such a strange com- 
plaint. Perhaps she'd like to see my chiropodist. 

Miss Flewster. I don't fancy it's anything 
serious, really. 

Mrs. Hillary Digby. She makes such singular 
noises. Like the baying of bloodhounds. 

Miss Flewster. Fm extremely sorry. 

Mrs. Hillary Digby. Poor Birdie has already 
had one upset to-day. We met that odious Pinge 
woman on the stairs, with her rat of a dog. Why do 
you have such a boarder, Flewster?, 

Miss F^lewster. I admit Miss Pingc is not 
perhaps the crcme do la creme 



12 ''DOG DAYS." 

Mrs. Hillary Digby. If she ever was, she's 
turned sour. 

Miss Flewster. But she pays regularly. Time 
was when my rafters rang with ducal laughter, but 
nowadays one has to make a living. 

Mrs. Hillary Digby. Her luck at bridge is too 
good to be true ; and she's always trying to find out 
the name of my dressmaker. I tell Deauville if she 
ever makes for the Pinge I've done with her. 

Miss Flewster. And you such a wonderful 
client. 

Mrs. Hillary Digby. I made Deauville — my 
friends and I. She daren't disobey me. 

Miss Flewster. She's quite French, isn't she ? 

(Re-enter Ada, l.u.e.) 

Mrs. Hillary Digby. Why, Ada, what a long 
time you've been. 

Ada. I thought it best to have it out, ma'am.. 
(Hands saucer to Mrs. Hillary Digby.) 

Mrs. Hillary Digby. What, the uva-thing- 
ummy ? 

Ada. No, me laugh — cough — I should say. (Out- 
door bell rings.) 

Mrs. Hillary Digby. I expect that's Deauville. 
When she comes please show her in here, Ada. 

Ada. Very good, ma'am, 

(Exit Ada, r.u.e.) 

Mrs. Hillary Digby (to her dog). Will Birdie 
have a little dinky dink ? Birdie's going to see her 
little coatie ! She knows all about it, don't you, my 
sweet ? 

(Re-enter Ada, r.u.e.) 

Ada. Madame Dovilly. 

(Enter Mme Deauville, very quietly and smartly 
gowned. She speaks with a very pronounced French 



"DOG DAYS." 13 

accent. In her hand she carries a small farcel. 
Ada gathers together the dog's toilet requisites and 
places them on tray.) 

Mme Deauville (to Mrs. Hillary Digby). Bon- 
;j our, ma dame. (T/zcn ^o Miss Flewster.) Bonjoiir, 
madame ! {Pointing at dog.) Ah ! the cherie ! 
How charming he look ! May I keese 'im ? 

Mrs. Hillary Digby (as though she were conferring 
a peerage) . When she has finished her milk you may. 
Take the saucer, Ada. 

(Ada does so and exits r.u.e. ivith tray.) 

Mme. Deauville. She is exquise ! I embraze 
'er ! (Kisses dog.) 

Miss Flevvster. She is beautiful, is she not ? 

Mme Deauville. Oh ! but ravissante ! All my 
customare 'ave dogs — every zize and shape and 
couleur. But none so lovelee as zee leetle Birdie ! 

Mrs. Hillary Digby (obviously much gratified). 
Birdie, you mustn't listen — you'll grow conceited — 
you'll be giving yourself airs ! 

Mme Deauville (laughing and pointing to Mrs. 
Hillary Digby's lap). She give you 'airs. 

Miss Flewster (enthusiastically). How French! 
Papa always loved your country. 

Mme Deauville. Did 'e ? 

Miss Flewster. Yes. To the very end he 
revelled in French plums. 

Mme Deauville. He die — young — yes ? 

Miss Flewster. We laid him to rest in his 
seventy-sixth year. 

Mme Deauville. Oh la ! la ! he must have eaten 
a lot of plums. 

Miss Flewster (to Mrs. Hillary Digby). Will 
you please excuse me, Mrs. Hillary Digby ? I have 
to give some orders in the kitchen. 

Mrs. Hillary Digby. Certainly, Flewster. 

Miss Flewster (to Mrs. FIillary Digby). Good 



U "DOG DAYS." 

moirning, madame. {To Mme Deauville.) Ar 
behang too ! {This remarkable expression is in- 
tended to convey the French phrase — '* A hientot ".) 
Mme Deauville {bowing). A bientot, madame ! 

{Exit Miss Flewster, r.u.e.) 

(Throwing up her hands and laughing.) What a 
funny lady ! She speak with an accent — oh ! but 
an accent ! 

Mrs. Hillary Digby. Have you the coat, Deau- 
ville ? 

Mme Deauville. Ah ! pardon, madame — yes — 
I 'ave it 'ere. {Undoing parcel that she had tempor- 
arily placed on table c.) I 'ope you will think it 
preety. I m.ake it with my own 'ands. 

Mrs. Hillary Digby. That's very good of you, 
Deauville. 

Mme Deauville. Oh, but no ! I owe you every- 
ting, my beeziness, my customare, all — {Produc- 
ing small pink coat.) There ! La voila ! 

Mrs. Hillary Digby {enthusiastically). Oh! 
How perfectly twee ! 

Mme Deauville. I am so more than glad ! and 
'ere is a riband and bow to go round 'is neck. {Dis- 
plays riband.) 

MRS"."*'ffTLLARY Digby. Lovely ! We must try 
them on at once. Birdie, you will be a smart girlie. 



I 



/"-"■^^ (Moves to table c.) You must stand on the table 
\ A: and keep still while I tie the . xib an ds^ round your 

( ^ ^ jlittle tummy -tum-tummy ! {She ^ "slips on dog's 



and keep still while I tie the . xib an ds^ round your 

^ ^ jlittle tummy -tum-tummy ! {She ^ "slips on dog's 

^.^^i^jcoat which ties under the body with pink ribands and 

^^ adjusts a huge pink bow at the neck.) ^TF3ie, will 

' ^ you stand still ? Deauville, you've no idea how 

vain she is. She's longing to look at herself in the 

glas^s ! and she shall, my precious, as soon as I have 

tied these bows. Now ! {Crosses to mantelpiece 

and lifts dog up to glass.) There ! 

Mme Deauville. She look adorable ! 

Mrs, Hillary Pj§by. I'm taking her out to 



"DOG DAYS." 15 

lunch to-day. I'm just going upstairs for a minute, 
Dcauville. Could 3^ou wait here — I want to give you 
back the patterns you sent. They are not qitite 
what I wanted. 

Mme Deauville. Very good, madame. 

Mrs. Hillary Digby (to dog). Come along, my 
angel. Sit down, Deauville, and improve your mind. 
{Pointing to writing-table.) You'll find all sorts of 
books on the table and last year's Academy Cata- 
logue — so you won't be dull ! 

{Exits R.U.E.) 

{Left alone Mme Deauville moves to ivriting-taUe 
and picks up several books, one after another — reads 
out titles, *•' A Pair of Hazel Eyes," •" Gangrene," 
by the Author of " In His Arms." Opens a chapter 
at random and reads.) 

{Enter Miss Pinge l.u.e., carrying a small dog. Miss 
PiNGE wears a palpable dark auburn, wig. Her 
complexion is of brick colour and her general appear- 
ance is both acid and forbidding. This effect she 
seeks to disguise by a set smile, that merely serves 
to accentuate the presence of her teeth.) 

Miss Pinge {at door). Deauville I 

Mme Deauville {turning sharply). Miss Pinge 1, 

Miss Pinge. How fortunate ! 

Mme Deauville. Oh, please — not so loud. 

Miss Pinge. What do you fear ? 

Mme Deauville. Mrs. Digby, she 

Miss Pinge. Are my things ready ? 

Mme Deauville. Oh ! yes — quite ready. 

Miss Pinge. Admirable ! Now telephone at once 
and instruct an assistant to bring them here imme- 
diately. 

Mme Deauville. But if Mrs. Digby discovered 

Miss Pinge. Rubbish ! she is going out to lunch. 
This is an excellent opportunity, 



16 "DOG DAYS." 

Mme Deauville. If Mrs. Digby found out I make, 
for you it would be my ruin. 

Miss Pinge [with sinister meaning). Don't forget, 
Deauville, that you and I share a little secret ! 

Mme Deauville (giving in). Where's the tele- 
phone ? 

Miss Pinge (opening door l.u.e.). Here in the 
passage. I will keep guard. 

(Mme Deauville exits l.u.e.) 

'(Miss Pinge holds the door open and listens to the 
conversation.) 

Mme Deauville (heard speaking off stage). Are, 
3^ou there ? Are you there ? 53G0 Bayswater. 
Yes. (Pause.) Is that you, Miss Jones ? Yes !■ 
Yes ! Pack up the grey coat and skirt and bring 
them to 25, I3arton Crescent. Yes, very urgent. 
Take a taxi. 

(Re-enter Mme Deauville, l.u.e.) 

It is only a few minutes in a taxi ! When Mrs. Digby 
has gone I return and meet Miss Jones on the door- 
step. 

Miss Pinge. Excellent, my dear Deauville, 
nothing could be better. 

{Re-enter Mrs. Hillary Digby, r.u.e., very smartly 
dressed for out of doors. She carries a reticiile 
and a small parcel, in addition to Birdie in her 
new pink coat. She holds the door open and speaks 
to Miss Flewster just before entering. Mme 
Deauville pantomimes to Miss Pinge to be silent.) 

Mrs. Hillary Digby (before entering). Oh ! dear, 
Miss Flewster, would you ask Ada to whistle me a 
taxi ? Thanks so much. (Enters r.u.e.) Here 
you are, Deauville (holding out parcel), here are the 
patterns — (Notices Miss Pinge. Surprised.) Miss 
Pinge 1 



"DOG DAYS." 17 

Miss Pinge (shewing a vast expanse of teeth). Yes, 
Mrs. Hillary Digby. 

Mrs. Hillary Digby. This is a surprise ! 

Miss Pinge. Is this apartment reserved for your 
exclusive use ? 

{Cah whistle heard off.) 

'Mrs. Hillary Digby {ignoring the question and 
indicating Mme Deauville). You know this lady? 

Miss Pinge. I understand that she's a skilful 
dressmaker. 

Mrs. Hillary Digby. Oh ! indeed ! 

Miss Pinge (looking Mrs. Hillary Digby up and 
down). Though, of course, like every one else, she 
has her failures. 

(Enter Miss Flewster, r.u.e.) 

Miss Flewster. The taxi i^ at the door, madam. 

Mrs. Hillary Digby. Thank you, Flewster. 
Deauville, come with me. I have a word or two to 
say to you in private. 

Mme Deauville (resignedly). Very good, madam. 

Miss Pinge (holding up her dog). Napoleon is so 
interested in your little dog's coat. I expect he 
takes it for a pink rat. 

Mrs. Hillary Digby (at door, waving her hand). 
Oh ! don't, please. Birdie detests common dogs, 
almost as much as I — dislike common people. 

(With which Parthian dart Mrs. Hillary Digby 
exits quickly, r.u.e., followed hy Mme Deauville.) 

(Miss Flewster is moving in the same direction when 
Miss Pinge calls to her.) 

Miss Pinge. Miss Flewster. 

Miss Flewster. Yes, Miss Pinge. . 

Miss Pinge. I wish to speak to you. 

Miss Flewster. Certainly, Miss Pinge. 

Miss Pinge. Will you be good enough to tell me 



IS "DOG DAYS." 

why you give preferential treatment to Mrs. Hillary 
Digby ? 

Miss FleWster. I assure you every one is treated 
alike. 

Miss Pinge. That is not so. 

Miss Flewster. If you would like to change your 
room. 

Miss Pinge. I'm not speaking of my room. 

Miss Flewster. The same food is served to all; 

Miss Pinge. I do not refer to the catering. 

Miss Flewster. Then may I ask ? 

Miss Pinge. You permit Mrs. Hillary Digby io 
use this room for hej- detestable dog's toilet. Why is it 
denied to Napoleon ? 

Miss Flewster. One could not miake it a general 
practice. 

Miss Pinge. Precisely — you differentiate. That 
won't do. Miss Flewster. 

Miss Flewster. I am sorry you should feel 
aggrieved . . 

Miss Pinge. Listen to me, Miss Flewster. I 
intend to brush Napoleon in this room. 

Miss Flewster. But 

Miss Pinge. I insist. 

Miss Flewster. The other boarders would object. 

Miss Pinge. I don't care a snap for the other 
boarders. (In a voice of Fate.) Miss Flewster, what 
of the episode of the tinned salmon ? 

Miss Flewster (nervously). Oh ! please, please ! 

Miss Pinge. A word from me and the house 
would be empty. 

Miss Flewster. Have mercy ! 

Miss Pinge. Then do I, or do I not, brush Napo- 
leon in this room ? 

Miss Flewster. Surely some other apartment ? 

Miss Pinge. This or nothing. 

Miss Flewster (giving way). Very well, Miss 
Pinge ! But I beg of you not to let Napoleon clash 
mth Birdie !' - . 



"DOG DAYS." W 

Miss Pinge. We shall see. 

(Re-enter Ada, r.u.e., announcing Mme Deauville.) 

Ada. Madame Dovilly. 

(Re-enter Mme.DeauvilLe carrying a large cardboard 
box.) 

Miss Flewster (surprised). Madame Deauville 1 

Mme Deauville (seeking an excuse). Oh ! yes — 
I return for my — my — handkerchief — -did I drop 'im 
'ere ? 

Miss Pinge. We will look for it. You needn't 
wait, Miss Flewster. I have a little business with 
Madame Deauville. 

Miss Flewster. Very well, Miss Pinge. 

' (Exit. R.U.E.) 

Mme Deauville. Mrs. Digby is suspicious. 

Miss Pinge. Don't be alarmed. 

Mme Deauville (nervously). Oh ! but I am— ^ 
please let me go 'ome ! 

Miss Pinge (pointing to box). Is it there ? 

Mme Deauville (nods). Yes. 

Miss Pinge. Then I'll try it on at once. 

Mme DeauviIlE. No, no, Mrs. Digby will return, 
I know it. 

Miss Pinge. Deauville, another word and I wilK 
let the whole world know that your real name is 
Matilda Jenkins,- afnd that you are no more French 
than I am. 

Mme Deauville (speaking in perfect English)y 
You couldn't do such a thti^g. 

Miss Pinge. Come to my room at once then'. 

Mme Deauville (resignedly). Very well, madatn. 

Miss Pinge (showing her teeth). That's better. 
You are a sensible woman, Deauville. (Moves t0 
door l.u.e.) a French modiste is one thing:— a little' 
English dressmaker another — eh, Matilda ? (Laughs- 



20 "DOG DAYS." 

shrilly.) And we are so prejudiced in favour of the 
former ! We can reach my bedroom by the back 
staircase. 

{First the street hell, then a commotion and sound of 
voices is heard in the hall.) 

Please follow me, quick ! I hear voices. 

{Exeunt hurriedly Miss Pinge and Mme Deauville, 

L.U.E.) 

(Meanwhile the noise outside increases and finally 
<- Mrs. Hillary Digby enters in a great state of excite- 
ment, R.U.E., folloived by Miss Flewster and Ada.) 

Mrs. Hillary Digby {collapsing into a chair). I 
am going to faint — another minute and I shall be 
unconscious. Get me brandy and feathers and 
smelling salts and sal volatile and burnt almonds — 
quick — why don't you run ? 

Miss Flewster (greatly flustered). Run, Ada, run. 
Oh ! if only Albert were here ! 

[Exit Ada, r.u.e.) 

Mrs. Hillary Digby (sharply). Who's Albert? 

Miss Flewster. My dear brother — in the Royal 
Navy. 

Mrs. Hillary Digby. Is he a sleuth hound — 
could he track down the villain who has robbed 
me of my treasure ? 

Miss Flewster. He is brave as a lion. 

Mrs. Hillary Digby. Then send for him. 

Miss Flewster. Alas ! he is rolling on the bil- 
lows. 

Mrs. Hillary Digby. How stupid 1 Where's 
Ada — where 's 

(Re-enter Ada, r.u.e., with smelling salts, etc.) 

Another minute and I should have lost consciousness- 
The salts — quick 



"DOG DAYS." 21 

(Ada hands smelling bottle.) 
The feathers — hght them. 

(Ada proceeds to do so at fireplace.) 

Miss Flewster. Please tell me once again 

Mrs. Hillary Digby. I stopped at a Post Office 
to send a telegram to Uncle Bmiibleton and left 
Birdie on the seat of the taxi, together with my 
reticule. When I returned the taxi was gone — ■ 
Birdie had disappeared. I could hardly believe 
my senses. I flew to a policeman. I scarcely kn^ew 
what I said. 

(Ada has now succeeded in igniting the feathers and 
advances flour ishiftg them at Mrs. Hillary Digby.) 

What are you doing ? 

Ada. The feathers, ma'am. 

Mrs. Hillary Digby [waving her away) . Be quiet. 
The policeman flourished a book at me and kept 
asking if my name was Hillary Digby, or Digby 
Hilary. He was dull as an owl. Meanwhile the 
thief who has stolen my Birdie was making good his 
escape. 

(Ada offers sal volatile.) 

Take it away. [Proceeding.) Thinking that Birdie 
might have run home— back I came — only to hear 
that you've seen no sign of my angel ! What am I 
to do, Flewster ? Surely you can suggest something. 

Miss Flewster [proudly). Papa would have 
known, yes. Papa would have known. 

Mrs. Hillary Digby. Well, where is he ? 

Miss Flewster. Alas ! he sleeps at Kensal Green. 

Mrs. Hillary Digby. Good gracious, Flewster, 
all your family seem to be either rolling on billows 
or sleeping on greens ! It's most improper ! Who 
could wish to rob me of my angal ? Have I some 
enemy — is there some poisonous reptile who wishes 



,22 "DOG DAYS." 

me harm ? There is ! (Starts to her feet.) Pingei 

Miss Flewster. Oh ! try to be cahii. 

Mrs. Hillary Digby. Don't be an idiot, Flew- 
ster ! Where is Pinge ? She covets Birdie ! What 
has she been doing ? 

Miss Flewster (faltering). She received a visitor 
with a box. 

Mrs. Hillary Digby. A visitor with a box I 
Who ? 

Miss Flewster. Madame Deauville ! 

Mrs. Hillary Digby. Deauville back here — in 
my absence — with a box — conferring with Pinge! 
Why, I caught them plotting together before I left. 
There's mystery here ! Are they still in the house? 

Ada. Yes, ma'am, in Miss Pinge's bedroom. 

Mrs. Hillary Digby, I begin to fear the worst. 
A crime may have been perpetrated. Oh, heavens ! 
Birdie may be in that box ! 

Miss Flewster (in anguish) . Oh, never, never ! 

Mrs. Hillary Digby. Send for carpenters. Let 
battering rams be brought. 

Miss Flewster (nervouslyi). For what purpose? 

Mrs, Hillary Digby. To dash her bedroom 
door in ! 

Ada (working to door,L.v.E.), I think I 'ear them 
a-coming, ma'am. (Opening door.) Yes, they're 
talking on the landing. 

Mrs. Hillary Digby. Take these things away, 
Ada. (Pointing to smelling salts, etc.) We must hide 
— oh ! my breaking heart ! (Weeps.) But I must 
be brave — they have some guilty secret — something 
tells me that I shall hear news of Birdie's fate, 

(Ada exits r.u.e, with smelling salts, etc,) 

Hide, Flewster ! 

Miss Flewster (weakly). Where am I to go ? 

Mrs. Hillary Digby (sharply). Can you balance 
yourself on the window sill ? 

jVlJSS f'LEWSTER (pathetically). No, no, 



'• DOG DAYS/^ 23 

Mrs. Hillary Digby. Could you lie prone on 
the rug in the guise of a tiger ? 

Miss Flewster (half crying). I'm sure I couldn't, 

Mrs, Hillary Digby. Then get behind the cur- 
tains, If it should be necessary, at a word from me, 
you must spring from your lair and pin them to the 
earth. 

Miss Flewster (sadly). Oh ! if papa but knew 1 

Mrs. Hillary Digby. Quick ! I hear them. 
(Bimdles the unwilling Miss Flewster behind one 
ivindow curtain and gets behind the other herself. 
After a moment Mrs. Hillary Digby peeps from 
behind curtain.) You are breathing heavily, Flewster 
■ — control yourself 

Miss Flewster (peering from behind curtain). I 
fear I'm going to sneeze, 

Mrs, Hillary Digby. Absurd ! Think of some- 
thing else ! Divide a billion by sixty-three. Hush ! 

(Re-enter Miss Pinge, l.u.e,, ivithout her dog, folloisjc^- 
by Mme Deauville carrying the cardboard box.) 

Miss Pinge (as she enters). Matilda, I am dis- 
appointed. 

Mme Deauville (in perfect English). Why do 
you call me by that name ? 

Miss Pinge (maliciously). It's your own, isn't it ? 

Mme Deauville. Yes, but I can't afford to 
use it. Suppose Mrs. Digby knew all ? 

Miss Pinge. Why did you not carry out my 
instructions fully ? 

MiNfE Deauville. I did my best. 

Miss Pinge. You should have made better use of 
the fur. 

(Mrs. Hillary Digby and Miss Flewster peep 
out from behind curtains.) 

Mme Deauville, I'm sorry. 
Miss Pinge. Besides, I told you to procure the 
cheapest stult en the market, 



§4 "DOG DAYS." 

Mme DE4UVILLE. But you said you wished fot 
something — kiiUng ! 

Miss Pinge. Certainly. But inexpensive stuff is 
frequently as effective ! 

Mrs. Hillary Digby {in a hoarse whisper). As I 
thought ! Poison ! 
r Mme Deauville (starting). What was that ? 

(Mrs. Hillary Digby and Miss Flewster withdraw 
their heads from view.) 

Miss Pinge. Nothing ! The coat must be pulled 
to pieces ! 

(Mrs. Hillary Digby groans behind curtain.) 

Mme Deauville {starting). I'm sure I hear some- 
thing. 

Miss Pinge. Merely the traffic. 

Mme Deauville. Well, I will take it home. 

Miss Pinge. Do. And this time please cut as I 
direct. 

(Mrs. Hillary Digby and Miss Flewster look out 
from behind curtains.) 

Mrs. Hillary Digby (in a whisper). Assassin ! 

Mme Deauville. I will do my best. 

Miss Pinge. And I'm looking forward to the 
moment when I shall parade the result before that 
cat Hillary Digby. 

Mrs. Hillary Digby (emerging from, behind curtain 
and addressing Miss Pinge). Reptile ! Envenomed 
serpent ! Lucretia Borgia ! Flewster — where are 
you? 

Miss Flewster (feebly, appearing from behind 
curtain). Here ! 

Mrs. Hillary Digby. Seize a bludgeon and fell 
this creature to the earth. 

Miss Flewster (pathetically). Oh ! I can't ! I 
can't ! 



"DOG DAYS." 25 

Miss Pinge. What does this mean ? 

Mrs. Hillary Digby. It means that your guilty 
secret is discovered. 

Mme Deauville. Oh ! forgive me, Madame. I 
begged her to employ some one else. 

Mrs. Hillary Digby (pointing to box). Give me 
the result of your handiwork. 

Miss Pinge {interfering). I shall allow ho such 
thing. 

Mrs. Hillary Digby. Heartless wretch ! You 
would separate me from the dear remnant of 

Miss Pinge. Remnant ! How dare you ? 

Mrs. Hillary Digby (endeavouring to seize box). 
I claim this and all it contains. 

Mme Deauville. Oh, but Madame, it isn't 
finished ! 

Mrs. Hillary Digby. Horrible creature ! 

Mme Deauville. Every time I used the scissors 
I trembled. I thought suppose Madame knew ! 

Mrs. Hillary Digby (gasping). Hah ! 

Mme Deauville. The neck is not cut as you 
would Hke it. 

Mrs. Hillary Digby, Give me the box ! 

Miss Pinge. No, no ! 

Mrs. Hillary Digby. Yes, I say. 

(They each seize ayi end of the cardboard box.) 

Flewster ! 

Miss Flewster (feebly) . Yes ? 

Mrs. Hillary Digby. Procure Maxim guns and 
train them on these miscreants ! 

Miss Flewster (helplessly). Where — can I get 
them ? 

Mrs. Hillary Digby (struggling with box). White- 
ley's — of course ! 

Miss Pinge. Leave go, woman. 

Mrs. Hillary Digby. Homicidal maniac. Flew^ 
ster ! 

Miss Flewster (tearfully). Yes. 



■28 "DOG DAYS.'* 

Mrs. Hillary Digby. Order a straight W^iistcoat 
instantly. 

Miss Flewster. Oh dear, and the telephone is 
out of order. 

{In the stntggk for the box the lid is torn off and the 
corltents are exposed to view.) 

Mrs. Hillary Digby (snatching out a coat and 
holding it up). What is this ? 

Mme Deauville. Oh ! madam — she forced me 
to make it for her. 

Mrs. Hillary Digby. Wlr-re is Birdie ? 

Mme Deauville. I've n > idea, madam. 

Mrs. Hillary Digby. Haven't you murdered and 
rhutilated her ? 

Mme Deauville. Oh, no ! madam. I shouldn't 
know how. 

(Enter AviX, r.u.e., -with Birdie in her arms and carrying 
Mrs. Hillary Digby's reticule.) 

Mrs. Hillary Digby [turning). What! can I 
believe my eyes ? My own, my treasure, my inky- 
dinky doo ! [Flies to the dog and clasps it in her 
arms.) 

Ada. The taxi driver brought her back. 

Mrs. Hillary Digby. Why didn't he wait at the 
Post Ofhce ? 

Ada. Some one told him his *ome was afire — 
for fun like ! — he didn't stop a minute — only thought 
of his wife and kids — when he got *ome and found it 
was a 'oax — he swore proper, he says he did — then 
he remembered you and Birdie and drove straight 
back 'ere. 

Mrs. Hillary Digby (taking out purse from reticule). 
Go, Ada, give him the wealth of the Indies. 

Ada. 'Ow much is that, ma'am ? 

Mrs. Hillary Digby (coimting out coins). Three 
and sixpence. 



"DOG DAYS." n 

Ada. Thank you, ma'am. 

(Exit R.U.E.) 

Mrs. Hillary Digby. Deaiiville, it has just 
occurred to me — why aren^t you speaking broken 
Enghsh ? 

Miss PingE; Because her name is Matilda 
Jenkins ! Your French modiste is nothing better 
than a pettifogging Enghslr dressmaker. 

Mrs. Hillary Digby. I was quite aware of it. 

Miss Pinge (snorting with rage). Tscliah ! 

Mrs. Hillary' Digby. Miss Flewstcr, did I 
understand you to say that Miss Pinge's room was 
required next week ? 

Miss Flewster (timidly). Er — well 

Mrs. Hillary Digby (sternly). By the Duchess 
of Northumberland, I think you said. 

Miss Flewster. Oh ! yes, how foolish of me to' 
forget. 

Miss Pinge. Perhaps in addition you have for- 
gotten the episode of the tinned salmon ! 

Mrs. Hillary Digby. Oh ! no she hasn't. 
Tinned salmon isn't the only thing that's fishy in 
this house. There's your play at Bridge, for instance. 

Miss Pinge. This is infamous ! I shall go to my 
solicitor — instantly ! 

(Enter Ada, r.u.e.) 

Mrs. Hillary Digby. Oh ! Ada, get Miss Pinge 
her bonnet and shawl, and put her into a tuppeny 
bus, will you ? 

Miss Pinge (at door). You shall pay heavily for 
this slander. 

(Sweeps out, r.u.e.) 

Ada. Please, ma'am. I gave the taxi-driver the 
three and six and he wished to know w^hether it was 
time and petrol j^ou was a-paying for, or if you 
Vvanted to buy the blooiTiing cab ? 



28 "DOG DAYS." 

Mrs. Hillary Digby (very excitec^. Oh! .the 

wretch — the ungrateful ruffian — I'm going to faint 

(Si7tks on to chair.) The room is dancing about hke 
Pavlova. Flewster, get an ambulance — Ring up Sir 
Pilkington Boodle — (Suddenly, in a voice of -re^gr^et) 
I wish I'd only given him half a crown! 

Quick Curtain, 



Butbi' k Tanner Frome and Lon^ 



Continued from second page of coVer, 

SCENERY. 

Our stock of scenery consists of 

The Oak Chamber Set. 

This scene will be found suitable for the purpose of an 
ordinary interior in nearly all plays requiring a room 
which is not representing a drawing-room, kitchen, or a 
very poverty-stricken type of room. The kind of 
furniture used in it will naturally do much to indicate the 
status of the people inhabiting 

The Drawing-room Chamber. 

This scene has been prepared on exactly the same 
lines as the oak chamber, and with the same object in 
view— the increase in both height and width according 
to requirement. 

Both Large and Small Garden Scenes 
Both Large and Small Wood Scenes 

A Drop Scene 

Puffed Satin Paper for Proscenium 

Fireplaces 

House^'piece for Street Scene 

Interior Window and Interior Doors 

FULLY ILLUSTRATED CATALOGUE 

Sent ftnitia on appUcadoa to SAMUEL FRENCH, Ltd., 3* 

Southamoton Street, Strand, London ; or 28 West 38th Street. 

New York City, U.SJi. 



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